I want home

I've really been missing home a lot. Fall is when I miss the Midwest the most I think. The fall weather back home is the greatest. I miss stepping on crunchy leaves, decorating the porch with pumpkins, and trick-or-treating.

I've been very nostalgic lately. I find myself constantly thinking about different things from various places in my past. It could be something so random and little, like playing "bus driver" on dad's work trailers with Rachel. I miss being young(er). Growing up really is hard. I would love to re-live my life again starting from age 4. It's also scary to think about my parents getting older. I want them to always be the way they were as I was growing up. It's hard when I come home and I actually notice a slight difference in them.

Coming home isn't the same either, nor will it be this Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have always loved the week leading up to Christmas when Rachel and I would play ping pong in the basement and blast Rebecca Saint James' christmas CD and sing really loud. Now I won't even get to see Rachel probably until the 26th, and then I'm leaving the next day. I miss our gatherings as friends at different people's houses and just enjoying the conversation.

I'm fighting so hard to not grow up...I just want to be a kid again. I don't like change. Passing 30 years of age terrifies me. I don't want to know what I'll look like when I'm 50. I don't want to die. Death really really scares me. It's so weird to think about it, and think that maybe today could be your last day or the last day of somebody you love. I can't wrap my head around death.

I get mad at myself for not wanting kids sometimes too. When I think about my parents' home videos of us when we were kids, it makes me wish that I wanted kids so I could take cute videos like those too. I know that mom and dad would love grandkids. I also don't want Jordan and I to be lonely when we're older. But the negatives outweigh the positives by 3 tons to me. I would be such an unfit mother, and I don't want to even attempt to raise a child in this sick world.

Basically with all of this struggle with growing up, I've shut down. I don't know how I get up in the morning and go to work every day honestly because I feel physically and emotionally dead. My heart is rock hard, and I'm so self-absorbed that I can't focus on anyone else but myself. I don't smile very often, and I'm always irritated. I don't like to be the center of attention (I used to not mind that really), and I don't like to be touched. I'm such a different person than I was in college, and I really don't like it. Ugh...and speaking of college...I miss it so much. I would love to do college all over again. I miss Mount Pleasant and Kaya. I miss my friends.

When will we move back east?